Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I think I'm in love...

And it scares me!

For just over a month I've had a boyfriend, J, and I haven't really told anyone about him because I'm terrified of losing him. He's just graduated from Newcastle as a medic and is currently doing his Pre-Registration House Officer year (he's doing general surgery at the moment). I didn't tell him about all my 'stuff' until a couple of weeks ago and he took it all very well and said that he didn't expect to understand me all the time, or even feel comfortable about everything but would take me as I am and he loved me before I told him about everything so he'll still love me as I'm the same person.

I can't believe what a nice guy he is. I'm just terrified that I'll screw it all up as I usually do or he'll walk away in a few weeks/months saying he can't cope and doesn't want to keep having to take responsibility for me. I guess I'm just being paranoid. Can't wait to get back to uni as being at home is driving me mad but also to see J (now I do sound lovesick!).

Enough about my sentimental mush, I just thought I'd share my news with the millions of people around the world!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


Sorry if people keep coming here hoping for some more news of me. I am still alive just don't have much chance to get online in the vacation so there will be a lot more from me post 26 September (the start of term).

I cannot wait to go back to uni, 3 and half months of vacation is driving me crazy. I guess I just don't have a lot to do. I could find a job, but that involves effort and hardwork... something I'm not good on. I could do research for my dissertation, see above for why this hasn't happened. Or I could sit by myself feeling miserable like I have done for the last few days.

Not been very good over the last week or so. I don't know why and I am loathed to see my GP at home as I had to see him the other day (I had an infected insect bite from my holiday in Spain) and told him I had taken myself off my meds and he didn't seem to think it was a good idea. C (my ex-psych) agreed I could try and do it after my exams were over and I've succeeded but now I feel like shite and I want to know why. I guess I never will.

On a good point, my little sister passed her A Levels with 2 As and 2 Bs so she's off to Art College in September (in the opposite direction... south!). Mum was over the moon with her and keeps buying her things to celebrate. I never got any of this when I got my A Level results (3 As, 1 B) and went off to uni.

For those of you who don't know I originally studied medicine for 1 year and then took a year out as things were getting too much on the course etc. In this year out I had a breakdown, did some work experience in A&E but self-harmed whilst there and was admitted as a psych patient. I never returned to my med degree after being told that it wasn't 'right' for me at that time, so I'm now a pharmacology student, but they let me directly into the 2nd year as I had some medical knowledge.

It's over 6 months since I last cut myself. I am pleased about that but I messed up at the beginning of the month and took an O/D which landed me in hospital overnight and then on a psych ward for 6 nights. I still don't know why I did it, which is how I ended up in the psych unit as I didn't have an explanation so I was 'an impulsive patient who posed a danger to herself'. I'd say that was me everyday really. Still, 6 months without cutting... the longest I've ever gone.

And on that note I'm going to go. I'm still not sure what this blog is for. Is it a diary? Is it a rant? Answers on a postcard.